


The Revengers' Visit to Utgardaloki

by hentailobster



Category: Thor (Movies)
Genre: Other, brunhilde's alcohol issues, hiding a dead body, norse mythology but with the revengers, team revengers - Freeform, very thin story
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-25
Updated: 2018-05-25
Packaged: 2019-05-13 19:45:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,226
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14755148
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hentailobster/pseuds/hentailobster
Summary: The revengers have a dead body to get rid off and where better to go than the most remote place in Jotunheim?





	The Revengers' Visit to Utgardaloki

One day the revengers decided that the huge, purple dead body in their hallway needed to be removed. Thanos had been laying there for quite a while since they could not for their lives figure out how to open the huge doors that lead to- for lack of better words- space, and at the pace which the Ark was currently going he was going to start smelling extremely bad before they could reach Earth. So, the revengers- meaning Thor, Brunhilde, Loki and a still rather confused Bruce- stuffed Thanos into the back of one of the smaller ships on the Ark (Most likely there in case an evacuation would be necessary), put Heimdall in temporary charge of the ship and then waved the people of Asgard goodbye.   
”We should stop somewhere on the way to get provisions” Brunhilde said. What she meant was ”We should stop somewhere on the way to get booze”, something everyone present was aware of. The group traveled for many hours until they came upon a small planet. There, Brunhilde payed for many months worth of food and drink after Loki had managed to haggle the price down to half of what it would have originally been and they asked the residents where it would be best to get rid of a body, since Thor had vetoed leaving it with some strangers who had been nice to them. The residents were shocked, at first, but quickly decided that it was best to tell the travelers once they saw Brunhilde throw a gigantic creature (Similar to what you on Earth might call an ox, only larger) over her shoulder and carry it to the revenger’s spaceship all by herself.   
”If you wish to avoid getting caught by the Nova Corps” They said, not bothering to ask who it was that the group had killed ”You must hide it somewhere they would not risk traveling to”   
Thor nodded and smiled, glad that he had met such friendly and cooperative people. ”And where would you recommend?”   
The residents cast quick glances at each other and then one of them quietly said ”Utgard”   
All of the revengers, except for Bruce who didn’t know what was going on, turned to look at each other. They had all grown up with stories of Utgard, and from what they had been told it did not seem like a pleasant place.   
”We’ll do as you suggest, your majesty” Brunhilde finally decided, not bothering to ask what Loki or Bruce thought. Thor considered for a few more moments.   
”We’ll go to Utgard, but we’ll be discreet. No big battles or fighting evil beings this time”   
Bruce sighed in relief.   
The revengers once again got their ship ready and punched in the coordinates to Jotunheim. When Bruce saw the strange name he gently tapped Thor’s shoulder.   
”Where are we going, exactly?” He asked, feeling like that was all he did these days.   
”Utgard is the giants’ fortress, in the darkest corners of Jotunheim. It’s a dreadful place, so hopefully this guy-” Thor kicked Thanos’ head ”-will fit right in” He finished his sentence with such confidence that Bruce couldn’t say no. It seemed perfectly reasonable to travel to a fortress filled with giants when Thor was giving him his most reassuring smile.   
Loki, on the other hand, did not look convinced.   
”This is a terrible idea” He muttered, but no one cared to listen. Thor and Bruce were having their own conversation and Brunhilde was preoccupied with draining her third bottle of liquor. Loki considered grabbing one as well, but figured that they would need someone on the team with a clear head once they reached Utgard.   
Jotunheim was as godforsaken and uninviting as ever, but only Bruce really bothered to care about their environment. Thor and Loki would rather not think about the place at all, ever again, and Brunhilde was too drunk to care. They landed their spaceship on one of the few open surfaces they could find and decided to hike the rest of the way to Utgard (Loki claimed it was good for one’s skin, the rest of the team hoped it would attract less attention). They made sure the ship was well hidden then got going, dragging the body behind them.   
After many hours of traveling through the frost-bitten lands the team was getting tired and decided it was best to find somewhere to spend the night. Thor and Loki went ahead to search and after a while they stumbled upon a great hall. It resembled a cave, but was not made of rock or any material the brothers could recognize. They were both a little suspicious of it, but after a day of traveling any alternative was good enough for them and they quickly headed back to fetch their friends. The hall had what looked like a side room where it was much warmer, so they decided that it would be the best place to sleep. After eating a little and telling stories about themselves and each other, one by one they fell asleep.   
The next morning Thor was startled awake by what sounded like huge crashes from far away. He instinctively reached for his hammer, which obviously didn’t work, and then snuck out of the room to see what was happening. When he stepped out into the morning light he was shocked to see the biggest giant he’d ever laid eyes upon coming straight for them. It was his footsteps that had caused the noise. The giant stopped, not far from the hall, looked around and then reached down and picked up the team’s resting place. Bruce, Loki and Brunhilde fell out of what Thor could now see was a gigantic glove. The giant put it on and looked down on the team.   
”Who are you?” Asked Brunhilde. She looked angry and was most likely hungover, but the giant did not seem intimidated by her. He just shrugged and replied.   
”My name is Skryme” He said ”And you folk don’t have to tell me who you are. You’re asgardians, aren’t you?”   
”That’s right” said Thor.   
”Not me actually” Said Bruce, but the giant didn’t hear him.   
”If you are asgardians, what are you doing here in Jotunheim?”   
”We want to leave this dead body somewhere no one will look for it” Brunhilde pointed to Thanos and frowned ”He might make for an interesting decoration, I dunno”   
That made Skryme laugh and the revengers quickly covered their ears to block out the unbearably loud noise. It went on for quite some time before the giant managed to calm himself down and crouch so that he was closer to the team.   
”You people seem like interesting folk. Say, would you like me to show you the way to Utgard? I’m sure you will be able to relieve yourselves of your burden there”   
Thor’s face lit up at the possibility of a new traveling companion. ”That sounds great!” He exclaimed and beamed up at Skryme. The rest of the team all looked a little more hesitant, but when Skryme mentioned that there would be a feast with lots of alcohol in Utgard, Brunhilde immediately changed her mind. Bruce figured that nothing could be worse than Hela and since that had all worked out fine it shouldn’t be a problem. Loki just sulked.   
The travelers all had breakfast and when they were done Skryme offered to carry the revengers’ provisions in his bag. They accepted gladly, relieved to lose some weight, and Skryme instantly picked up their food and drink then stood up.   
”Make sure to tell me if you can’t keep up” He said and took a giant step. The revengers almost had to run to keep up with his pace, but no matter how much they yelled he didn’t hear them and just kept walking. When night fell and they finally stopped even Thor was out of breath and Bruce was looking a bit green in the non-hulk way.   
”I’m not very hungry so I’ll just go to sleep” Skryme said and put his bag down ”If you want to eat just open the bag. I don’t have any secrets in there” The second he finished his sentence he fell asleep, snoring loudly. Brunhilde was craving a drink, so she went to open the bag. She tugged at the enormous lace keeping it shut but it wouldn’t budge.   
”It won’t open” She yelled to her friends ”It’s like trying to bend iron”  
”I’ve bent iron before” Thor said ”Let me try”   
But he couldn’t open the bag either. Not even when the two of them pulled as hard as they could together would it open ever so slightly and now they were starting to get mad. Through gritted teeth they decided to wake Skryme up, but even when they yelled their best war cries directly into his ear he didn’t wake up. Finally, Thor climbed onto Skryme’s forehead and brought his fist down in a mighty blow as if he was fighting a powerful enemy. Skryme’s eyes opened.   
”I think a leaf from that oak just hit my face. You folks should really get to sleep, we have a long way to go tomorrow” He immediately fell asleep again and the revengers had to accept that they would go to bed hungry that night. They tried to sleep, but Skryme’s snores kept them all up and by midnight they agreed that something had to be done. Thor once again climbed up to the giant’s forehead and hit him again, this time even harder.   
”Did an acorn just fall on my forehead?” Skryme was once again awoken ”But oh my, what are you folks still up for?”   
Thor was too shocked to answer. He could have _sworn_ that he felt Skryme’s skull crunch beneath his fist, but even so the giant looked completely fine. When he didn’t get an answer he just shrugged and went back to sleep and snored throughout the rest of the night, leaving the team sleepless.   
By now they were all more than a little irritated with the giant and when the sun started to rise Thor went to make a third attempt at attacking the giant. He climbed onto his forehead and struck him with enough force to make even Hela flinch, but the giant once again looked unharmed.   
”A bird must have shat on me” He rubbed his eyes ”Maybe it’s time for us to get moving?”   
He didn’t wait for an answer, just threw the bag over his shoulder and started walking.   
After many hours Skryme stopped and pointed at some mountains at the horizon.   
”I must head that way now, but Utgard is just that way” He motioned towards a small forest path leading east, then left the revengers without returning their food or even saying goodbye. Thor was fuming an considered going after Skryme, but the giant was already too far away to see and the possibility of getting some food in Utgard was very tempting. So the team headed east an soon they came upon a huge fortress. They could not find a door, but managed to open a hole in the walls surrounding it and snuck in. They had originally planned on just leaving Thanos there and leaving, but when they smelled delicious food from the main building they instinctively turned that way and went to ask for some.   
When they stepped in through the enormous doors they were faced with a hall full of giants, bigger than they had ever seen. At the opposite end of the room sat the biggest one on a huge throne.   
”Welcome travelers, to Utgard” His voice boomed across the hall ”My name is Utgardaloki and I’ll be glad to host you folk for the night”   
”We thank you, Utgardaloki” Said normal Loki.   
”I wasn’t done” Utgardaloki pointed at the group ”If one wishes to stay in my fortress they must prove themselves impressive enough to do so by competing against my men. Now, do any of you have any skills you’re confident enough in?”   
Loki thought for a second ”I’m a very fast eater” He said somewhat hesitantly. The whole situation seemed odd to him.   
”Excellent, then you shall compete against my servant Loge!”   
A table full of food was brought out and Loki and Loge were placed at the short ends, facing each other. One giant whistled, the signal for them to start, and within seconds they both met at the middle of the table. Loki had devoured every piece of food, yes, but Loge had eaten not only the food but also the plates and the table itself.   
”It looks as though Loge is the winner” Utgardaloki proclaimed and was met by cheers from the giants. Loki looked hurt, but at least he had gotten some food. Brunhilde stepped forward.   
”I can outdrink anyone in here” She put her chin up confidently, mentally applauding herself for managing to get free booze.   
”Very well” Utgardaloki gestured to one of his servants who hurried away to fetch a drinking horn so tall its end disappeared into the darkest corners of the room. Brunilde’s eyes lit up.   
”My men usually drain this in one go” Said Utgardaloki ”Some need two sweeps, but I’ve never come across someone so weak they needed three” He nudged the horn towards Brunhilde who grabbed it eagerly and immediately brought it to her lips. She drank and drank, enough to make Bruce even more worried about the state of her liver, and then triumphantly lowered the horn. All the revengers were shocked to see that the liquid level had barely been lowered a thumb’s length.   
”Perhaps you should do another sweep?” Utgardaloki suggested. Brunhilde obliged and this time she drank even longer. But when she lowered the horn there was once again little change to the amount and Utgardaloki shook his head in disappointment.   
”I guess you asgardians simply can’t compare to giants. Let’s see how you do on your third sweep” By now Brunhilde was furious. She drank again, drank more than any breathing thing had ever done. Once again she lowered the horn and once again the change was barely noticeable. She threw the horn to the floor in frustration and returned to her group, muttering about ’salty mead’.   
”Do you have any other talents you think you can compete with?” Utgardaloki looked out over the revengers and after a few moments of awkward silence Bruce steppe up.   
”I guess you could say I’m an okay fighter” He said hesitantly.   
”A fighter?” Utgardaloki narrowed his eyes ”You certainly do not look like one. Here’s what we’ll do, I’ll let you wrestle my old grandmother Elle”  
”Your old grandmother?” Bruce looked like he was starting to regret the challenge.   
”She was the one who taught me to fight many years ago” Utgardaloki said as an ancient woman stepped out from the shadows. She fixed her gaze on Bruce, who immediately felt uneasy. The woman was barely any taller than himself, despite being a giant and she looked like she’d collapse if anyone took her cane away. Bruce quickly came to the conclusion that the Hulk would have to sit this one out and took an uncertain step towards the old woman. He carefully tried to push her down, but she wouldn’t budge. It was like trying to shift a mountain no matter what angle he went in from. Suddenly she gripped Bruce tightly and he felt as though all his strength was drained. Without even thinking of it he let the Hulk out, but not even he could move the woman and she even managed to get hi down on one knee.   
”That’s enough” Utgardaloki clapped twice and the woman immediately released her grip on the Hulk. He was obviously ashamed because he faded away almost all by himself. None of the giants seemed particularly shocked by Bruce’s shapeshifting, which he was certainly not used to.   
”Now” Utgardaloki fixed his gaze on Thor ”What can you do?”  
”I’m strong. I can lift anything you ask me to” Thor said confidently.   
”Now that is interesting. We do have a cat here who my children practice lifting from time to time. Would you like to give it a shot?” Thor agreed to the challenge and as if on command a giant, grey can jumped down from one of the tables and strutted over to Thor. It purred as he put his arms around it and to Thor’s great dismay its paws would not leave the ground. It simply bent its back when he tried raising it, and brought its feet closer together. After lots of cursing Thor finally managed to get it to raise one of its paws slightly and as it did a mighty rumble could be heard from outside the fortress.   
”Stop! Stop” Utgardaloki cried out. He looked horrified ”You have proven that you are not half bad after all. You may stay in my fortress for the night and you may help yourself to the food”   
The revengers sat down, all of them a bit gloomy after failing so miserably. But they ate and they drank and then they slept until the next day, when it was time for them to leave. Utgardaloki followed them to the gates and bid them farewell. They were about to go when Loki spoke.   
”Those challenges, they were rigged weren’t they?”   
Utgardaloki was silent for a moment, then nodded.   
”Yes. Yes they were. Loge, who you competed against cannot be beaten in an eating contest, for he is fire itself. He devours anything in his path with unquenchable hunger-”  
”Yes, yes we get it. What about the horn?” Brunhilde was glaring daggers at Utgardaloki and had reached for the knife hidden in her belt.   
”The end of the horn was connected to the sea. If you look at it you will notice that its level has sunken considerably”   
”I knew there was something wrong with the taste” Brunhilde said, more to herself than anyone else.   
”What about the old lady?” Bruce wondered.   
”She is old age, the force that cannot be stopped by the strongest warrior. We were all quite shocked when you managed to stay on only one knee”   
A few green veins appeared on Bruce’s temples so Thor quickly decided to divert his attention to something else.   
”So what was up with the cat?”   
”My cat?” Utgardaloki snorted ”It is no cat. It is the midgard serpent. Did you not hear the world shake when its paw moved?”   
Loki looked awed ”Some powerful illusions you can conjure”   
”It is somewhat of a hobby of mine. Even Skryme was an illusion. I went out to meet you in disguise, but I have to admit I was pretty scared when you tried to attack me”  
”How did you even survive that?” Thor had almost managed to forget about their seemingly immortal traveling companion.   
”Because you didn’t hit me” Utgardaloki said flatly ”See those mountains over there? Do you see the craters in them? I placed them between your fist and my head and the craters are the results” He looked at each of the revengers one by one.   
”Now” He finally said ”Please don’t ever come back here. We don’t want terrifying people like you in Utgard”  
And before any of them could react the fortress was gone.

**Author's Note:**

> Norse mythology is weird
> 
> Please comment or Skryme will steal your food


End file.
